Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize