It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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