i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
