Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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