I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
