i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
