if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
