moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
