shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
