when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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