Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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