p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
