i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
