I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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