Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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