i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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