Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
And then he peed in my hair
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