operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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