yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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