I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
