Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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