I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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