I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
im holly from the hills drunk
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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