Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize