i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
