it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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