the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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