I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just found a bag of teeth...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
