I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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