i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
