Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
