my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
