I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
