even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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