As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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