I think im going to throw up on grandma
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
