While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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