Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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