You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
