Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Randomize
