So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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