i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
