yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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