i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
