I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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