That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
The best revenge is premature balding
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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