last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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