i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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