in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
