she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
