woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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