I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
