He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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