I puked a lego.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
