The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
