Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize