her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
