i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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