Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
