You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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