Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
false alarm, still single
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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